I have to admit that for the last week or two, I have been feeling pretty good. I have felt the tug of depression but not too strongly. Just when going to sleep at night. Not sure whether this is the effect of treatment or just a good phase I am going through. I just can't tell. It is possible that it is the TMS. Possible. I think my anxiety is down quite a bit. And my depression is often a reaction to anxiety: I just cannot deal with anxiety so I think of things to depress me so I can sleep. It works.
However, two nights ago, I fell into the pit of depression. There's an actor I just crushed on and when I do that, all my beliefs about the hopelessness of my life erupt. (I haven't crushed on a 'real' man in several years. In part b/c actors are 'safer' since they're aren't really real, and in part b/c there just haven't been any men around me since I went off work on sick leave.) Horrible things went on in my head and I finally I cried myself to exhaustion and slept. I was depressed and subdued all the next day.
At the time, while I was torturing myself emotionally, the depression felt just as deep as it ever has. Now, I'm not so sure it was. And it only lasted a day and a half or so. I'm not as upbeat as I was before it hit me, but close. Again, the result of treatment or just a fluke of mental health?
Today while in treatment, my psychiatrist stopped in with a medical resident whom he was explaining the treatment to. He said that it is believed the treatment helps b/c it increases "neuroplasticity."
Neuroplasticity, also known as brain plasticity, is an umbrella term that describes lasting change to the brain throughout an individual's live course.
I CAN BE HAPPY!
I AM SEXY!
I CAN BE LOVED!
I think I can grant that it is possible for those thoughts to be true even though I don't believe they are currently. So I put them as pop-ups on my phone with reminders several times a day. We'll see if they help. Maybe my brain can adapt and accept them. Who knows...
PS, they say everybody likes blogs that have pictures better, so here is one of the lake behind the hospital one hot windy day last week.