Tuesday, 21 June 2016


My depression does not come from nowhere and is not formless. It is the result of my firm and immutable belief that life/ the gods/ the universe hates me and/or is punishing me and that it is impossible for me to be loved. This is based on my experiences throughout my life. No matter how much I have tried, and tried, and tried, I cannot connect with someone; I have no love in my life. I am alone. Always have been. Always will be. That is the belief that my life sits on.

I have to admit that for the last week or two, I have been feeling pretty good. I have felt the tug of depression but not too strongly. Just when going to sleep at night. Not sure whether this is the effect of treatment or just a good phase I am going through. I just can't tell. It is possible that it is the TMS. Possible. I think my anxiety is down quite a bit. And my depression is often a reaction to anxiety: I just cannot deal with anxiety so I think of things to depress me so I can sleep. It works.

However, two nights ago, I fell into the pit of depression. There's an actor I just crushed on and when I do that, all my beliefs about the hopelessness of my life erupt. (I haven't crushed on a 'real' man in several years. In part b/c actors are 'safer' since they're aren't really real, and in part b/c there just haven't been any men around me since I went off work on sick leave.) Horrible things went on in my head and I finally I cried myself to exhaustion and slept. I was depressed and subdued all the next day.

At the time, while I was torturing myself emotionally, the depression felt just as deep as it ever has. Now, I'm not so sure it was. And it only lasted a day and a half or so. I'm not as upbeat as I was before it hit me, but close. Again, the result of treatment or just a fluke of mental health?

Today while in treatment, my psychiatrist stopped in with a medical resident whom he was explaining the treatment to. He said that it is believed the treatment helps b/c it increases "neuroplasticity."

From Wikipedia:
Neuroplasticity, also known as brain plasticity, is an umbrella term that describes lasting change to the brain throughout an individual's live course.
So right now, my brain should be more able to be changed. Maybe if I think things I would LIKE to believe instead of what I DO believe, even though I don't currently believe them, they might change my brain for the better. Things like:
I think I can grant that it is possible for those thoughts to be true even though I don't believe they are currently. So I put them as pop-ups on my phone with reminders several times a day. We'll see if they help. Maybe my brain can adapt and accept them. Who knows...

PS, they say everybody likes blogs that have pictures better, so here is one of the lake behind the hospital one hot windy day last week.

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