Monday, 6 June 2016


Two full weeks under my belt, nearly half way done, and I don't feel any different. I am sleeping better than before I started but I go through periods of sleeping well, not sleeping well, back and forth.I still sink into the black pit regularly, hating my life, hating my future, wishing I had never been born, looking forward to dying some day, can't come soon enough.
The best I can say about TMS is that I don't feel any worse.

I'm not sure that anything can get rid of my depression. My whole life has majorly sucked and my future has nothing but sucking in it. Even if my brain isn't depressed my life is.
I am concerned that TMS will take away my access to my pain. I know that should be a good thing but my pain is like a friend. It is the one constant in my life. Whenever I want I can touch my pain, like a missing or chipped tooth. It is comforting to cry sometimes, especially at night when I can't sleep; it puts me to sleep. What if the depression and pain are still there but out of reach? What if I can't cry when I want to? What if it just makes me dull and numb rather than sad or happy? What will I do then?
What I hope is that it will at least relieve the depression that drains all the energy and will out of me, and that I will feel like doing things again. Like cooking, tidying my room, creating, being social. All those things are too draining for me to do regularly and have been for a lot of years. Just give me back energy. I would be grateful for that.

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